Kematian IV

 

Mistery of death,  

Unbelievable, 

shocking .. sadly .. 

I don't know, 

what I have to do, should I ???

what I have to say, 

speechless .. 

sadness .. 

nor happiness, 

I don't know about my feeling anymore, 

as you make me numb before the happening, 

before you leave me infinitely, 

I even already say good bye 

However, 

when the real good bye is in front of me, 

I can not barely understand the meaning of good bye! 

Is it real for the person like me???

Is it true that we're done??

Really ... really .. such a sad story to have  at the end! 

But .. 

I need to close this chapter or end the story 

Even though .. you are still asking, 

It is kinda sad to see the truth that I already know 

But ..  this is not what I thought so soon and 

I am really sorry ,, 

I do really sorry, 

That this is happening to you for good, 

without compromise!

You can rejected or argue, 

This is your  life that gotta be end, 

I know ... 

Even though .. 

I can  even still .. smell of it, 

your  breath smell, 

your tongue twisted, 

your gentle touch 

your  eyes that make me love you,

We had a great memory, 

Great one absolutely, 

Never ever forget about it, 

Such. a good part that stay in me, 

It is the hardest thing for me to erase 

all the memories of you, 

still vivid .. 

whatever you wrote in messages, 

I can see how you are .. 

Become other person because  .. 

you are next to me

Thank you for being who you are, 

I'll always treasure our moments, 

even .. it is painful for me, 

but at least I know you better, 

Hope you are happy up there, 

end of June 2021

I do understand

When my mom was 50 yrs old, she visited me and I asked her if she’d like to live with me in Canada. She rejected my proposal as she told me that she can’t live without her best friends and her big family in Indonesia, the other reason she told me that adjusting to different life is not as easy as flipping coin. 

This morning I woke up at 10:30 a.m. I slept at 3 a.m. in the morning as I watched Netflix series movie (duhhh ...).  I woke up at 7 a.m. only to make a sandwich for my son luncheon and I went back to my bedroom to continue my sleeping beauty, lol.  

I woke up as I realized today is Wednesday and I have to go swimming at noon, so I jumped from my bed and take a quick shower (well .. after swimming am gonna go shower again anyway).  By 11 a.m. I already line up with my gals for deep water workout. 

When am changing in the locker room, I was thinking about my mom. I do really understand now what my mom was thinking about adjusting her life. I always having a difficult time to adjust my life as well after I got back from Indonesia.  It takes me about 2 weeks for jetlag and it is always worst when I am going back home here. Especially, after I visited Indonesia for 3 months! 

I did really understand why she rejected my proposal.  Living in Indonesia for a while, even temporary, it is kinda easy for me as I don't have to : cook, clean, even laundry!!  damn, Any!  What a good life it is .. it is in fact, that is why it called "vacation" hohoho  

Well .. I am thinking, it is not just vacations here, adjusting my life from here to Indonesia, even it is very easy breeze as am thinking it is for temporary, still ... it is not as easy as you think as this is the first time am on vacations more than a month.  I missed driving my car, walking my dog to the park, cooking my a gourmet meals,  doing my yoga and swimming that I used to do it three times a week or walking and running once in a while.  Even though I had a really great time with my friends and family. 

Don't get me wrong,  it is totally different when you are on vacations and when you are live for a while. I am trying to think about how if I am living there,  I mean moving there as if am moving there,   I am trying to put my shoes to my mom's shoes at one point.  Well .. I know what she is thinking right now. 

It it a hard thing to do - adjusting your life to the place that even you live there since you were born and for 23 yrs. I do now understand if my mom thinking is hard to move to different country on her age, 50 yrs old that time.  As am 51 yrs old right now and I am still struggle with my thought, where am gonna end up when the time is coming, pension. 

I had a lot of friends and best friends like my mom did. Even am very independent and did not rely my life on them, still .. having a great circle of friends is away better when you are old. I guess am very lucky and blessed to have beautiful people in my life.

However, It is not just a great friends what you needed when you are old.  There are a lot of factors to consider in terms of living in a develop country even it is my homeland that I used to live for 23 yrs!! 

Yup .. thinking about where to stay is more complicated than the time I was young over there.  Now is more complicated as I am considering about the hospital?? the family doctor?? the big family or relatives?  friends?  should I???  .. the story being an old lady is totally changed the perspective!! 

to be continue ... 

NEW YEAR 2019

Last time I wrote about greeting in New Year 2015, and now .. it's 2019! Dang. What a days, months and years had been passed.  I felt so running out of time being alone. People usually happy when new year is coming, it is like a birthday celebrations. Not me.  I definitely not happy as my age is adding up = I am losing a lot of time and I am getting more digit. I don't like that idea at all.

I am not afraid being old at one point  but .. it is kinda slow pace movement in my brain to except the reality that am getting there sooner or later (fuck!!).  Yup .. am gonna be 50 in no time and I do still believe that life is one time thing, meaning there is no such a hell or heaven or whatever you wanna believe after death.  My point is .. in my losing time, I want to make sure that my life is worth it for  my kids, my family, my friends, my environment, my world  etc etc .. with no regret. As I told you in 2015, even I wasn't born to be a winner nor the loser.                                                                                           

From 2015 to present, I learn a lot! I mean a LOT .. LOT .. in life.  I am not perfect but I learn that life is not about being happy or having a lot of money or hangout with beautiful bitch or handsome guy or the smart people or stupid people or  or or else  else  ...  etc. etc.  I learn that life is better when you are alone without noisy from others. 

Anyway, I wore a lot of black and love black and white picture, but my mind is very colorful if you can see my brain, lol.

HAPPY New Year 2019.

AGING

Aging.  It's a noun.  It's only one word but the meaning it's quite heavy on all aspect. Still .. I need to talk about it even in my head I want to forget it! lol

It's easy to say to someone :  "Nahh .. you're still young! no worry about that!!  Then my friend will say the same thing to me : you think you're old???  well .. I did.  I can say am not the same age as I was 5 or 10 years ago.  That number is not just a number!!  I mean it.

I am trying to recalled when I was 20 years old, 30 years old .. that was like .. yeah,  it's just a number! My time still far away from the hell, hohoho.  I'm seriously never ever think that number is running and competing with my life!  However,  when it comes to number 40 and the rest  - I do really felt like  someone is slapping my face and make me wake up and realized that I am running out of time!  That's exactly what I felt.

I still remember when my parents spoiled me like a hell.  I was crying out loud when I didn't know how to cook the first time!! - that was in my early 20. Then, 10 yrs later I do really know how to cook from A-Z!  Whenever I went out to eat and I don't like what I ate, I'll find the answer how to make it! I am so evolved from stupidity to know how deal with it.

Exactly.  I remember mom said one time : you'll understand when you're old enough. Bang. It slaps my face.  Whatever she said is right.  I am trying to recall everything that she said.

Now, my age is even 100 divided into two and still plus ... the equation is even more than I thought and that is not just slapping my face but knocking my head .. wake up .. wake up, Any!!! Yup .. hell ya. 

I do understand when my body is not as great equation as when I was 30 or 40ish. It is make me  thinking all the time what I should do every time I am gonna do something! I have to think about the effect or the impact when something might go wrong with my action.  It doesn't matter what I did, I have to think twice or more. That is my reality right now before am on my 60th! That is not just a number!! It is a serious number in every actions. 

to be continue ... 

DUNIA MAYA

Judulnya "Dunia Maya" - entah itu Maya Rumantir, Maya Blah blah .. yg pasti MAYA - alias tidak nyata. Kasat mata pun tidak! well .. kasat mata di otak kale, ya?! Duhhh.

Judulnya sosial media ini emang bener" HOT like a stove. Semua terekspos habis"an karena saking Maya nya tadi, si miskin jadi kaya,  si kaya  merasa masih miskin, orang jelek jadi paling cantik, orang cantik jadi jelek. Semua heboh"an exhibit kekurangan dan kelebihan masing".

Apalagi kalo baru pertama kale kenal dengan MAYA,  orang jawa bilang ora ndhelok jitok e dhewe hahahaha pasang foto habis"an sambil teriak "notice me-notice me! (miss Insecure biasanya yg model gene).  Typical : orang kaya baru, orang yg kaya tapi gak ada self confidence, orang gak cantik tapi sok cantik dah pasti hahaha (dalam hati yg lihat mbatin: masio foto 200 shots dengan model kemiringan di semua sisi, pencong kiri kanan muter 45 derajat, ganti model baju pun) tetep aja gak ngaruh.

kalo yg dah pede, kaya, cantik, semua titel diborong, masih ikutan lomba "notice me" bikin orang semakin pengen ngelempar bakiak. Kasian juga sih benernya karena pada dasarnya dia gak PeDe, cuman punya modal cantik ato kaya aja, jadi sekalian numpang lewat bablas hehehe.  Sekali dua kale muncul di mass media is okay karena wajahnya bikin orang seneng, hiburan gratis lah untuk cowo" yg bininya gak se cantik dia, tapi kalo setiap kali dia keluar rumah foto, setiap pergi dia upload semua foto di medsos yg dia punya mulai dr FB, instagram, Path, apalagi??  bukan cantik lagi yg kita lihat tapi pengen muntah hahahahah

Aku inget pertama kali mulai FB, thn 2008 masih belum serame sekarang. FB bener" sarana untuk cari temen" ku yg antah berantah keberadaannya! Hebohnya setelah ketemu, malah bikin eneg karena setiap kale isinya reuni terus hahahaha.  Well .. kalo keadaan kita super jauh dan gak ketemu 2 dekade lebih masih okay lah,  reuni masih ada cerita. Lha ini ketemu terus, reuni terus, ora bar" ceritone, malah nggawe cerito dhewe, edan tenan.

Yang paling mengenaskan, lomba" di dunia MAYA tadi.  Saking hebohnya, sampe bergelimangan dengan korban". Jangan tanya kasus penipuan ato korban cinta dadakan sampe kasus cere pun gak karuan banyaknya! Aneh tapi itu kenyataan yg ada dinegara yg sedang berkembang ini.

So sad ...  MAYA MAYA

J A P A N

Finally I am flying to Japan! It was the last minutes when I got a good deal from my travel agents!
Thanks God! Japan is already on my bucket list for years after my Europe trips.

Japan is exactly like what I imagined when I am reading and learning hiragana when I was in university 26 yrs ago! Such such an amazing country!!! I am so facinated with this country since very long time ago,  frankly since I was a little gal as someone (one of my mom relatives) is always called me " a little japanese gal".  Since then I always had in mind that word " japan japan japan" lol.

At the same time, one of my uncle went to Japan with their family and they send a postcard from Japan and I did not blink one second  when I saw the picture on that postcard. How beautiful the mount Fuji and sakura flowers. However, I still had no luck to go there until I am 45 yrs old! Damn! 40 years to finally my dream comes true! lol  hahahaha

Kematian III

 Death is a mystery

I should, 

trust it!

the eyes, 

the brains, 

they talked each other, 

they see each other, 

they knew each other, 

instead, 

I ignored them!

Hate it,

Fuck it!

Disbelief, 

Why?

Especially, 

it's an angel!

the best creature! 

Painful, 

Painful, 

Sorrow, 

so deep, 

Touching my soul, 

can't bear It. 

So sorry, 

see you,

Rest in Peace, 

Abel.