Kematian IV

 

Mistery of death,  

Unbelievable, 

shocking .. sadly .. 

I don't know, 

what I have to do, should I ???

what I have to say, 

speechless .. 

sadness .. 

nor happiness, 

I don't know about my feeling anymore, 

as you make me numb before the happening, 

before you leave me infinitely, 

I even already say good bye 

However, 

when the real good bye is in front of me, 

I can not barely understand the meaning of good bye! 

Is it real for the person like me???

Is it true that we're done??

Really ... really .. such a sad story to have  at the end! 

But .. 

I need to close this chapter or end the story 

Even though .. you are still asking, 

It is kinda sad to see the truth that I already know 

But ..  this is not what I thought so soon and 

I am really sorry ,, 

I do really sorry, 

That this is happening to you for good, 

without compromise!

You can rejected or argue, 

This is your  life that gotta be end, 

I know ... 

Even though .. 

I can  even still .. smell of it, 

your  breath smell, 

your tongue twisted, 

your gentle touch 

your  eyes that make me love you,

We had a great memory, 

Great one absolutely, 

Never ever forget about it, 

Such. a good part that stay in me, 

It is the hardest thing for me to erase 

all the memories of you, 

still vivid .. 

whatever you wrote in messages, 

I can see how you are .. 

Become other person because  .. 

you are next to me

Thank you for being who you are, 

I'll always treasure our moments, 

even .. it is painful for me, 

but at least I know you better, 

Hope you are happy up there, 

end of June 2021

I do understand

When my mom was 50 yrs old, she visited me and I asked her if she’d like to live with me in Canada. She rejected my proposal as she told me that she can’t live without her best friends and her big family in Indonesia, the other reason she told me that adjusting to different life is not as easy as flipping coin. 

This morning I woke up at 10:30 a.m. I slept at 3 a.m. in the morning as I watched Netflix series movie (duhhh ...).  I woke up at 7 a.m. only to make a sandwich for my son luncheon and I went back to my bedroom to continue my sleeping beauty, lol.  

I woke up as I realized today is Wednesday and I have to go swimming at noon, so I jumped from my bed and take a quick shower (well .. after swimming am gonna go shower again anyway).  By 11 a.m. I already line up with my gals for deep water workout. 

When am changing in the locker room, I was thinking about my mom. I do really understand now what my mom was thinking about adjusting her life. I always having a difficult time to adjust my life as well after I got back from Indonesia.  It takes me about 2 weeks for jetlag and it is always worst when I am going back home here. Especially, after I visited Indonesia for 3 months! 

I did really understand why she rejected my proposal.  Living in Indonesia for a while, even temporary, it is kinda easy for me as I don't have to : cook, clean, even laundry!!  damn, Any!  What a good life it is .. it is in fact, that is why it called "vacation" hohoho  

Well .. I am thinking, it is not just vacations here, adjusting my life from here to Indonesia, even it is very easy breeze as am thinking it is for temporary, still ... it is not as easy as you think as this is the first time am on vacations more than a month.  I missed driving my car, walking my dog to the park, cooking my a gourmet meals,  doing my yoga and swimming that I used to do it three times a week or walking and running once in a while.  Even though I had a really great time with my friends and family. 

Don't get me wrong,  it is totally different when you are on vacations and when you are live for a while. I am trying to think about how if I am living there,  I mean moving there as if am moving there,   I am trying to put my shoes to my mom's shoes at one point.  Well .. I know what she is thinking right now. 

It it a hard thing to do - adjusting your life to the place that even you live there since you were born and for 23 yrs. I do now understand if my mom thinking is hard to move to different country on her age, 50 yrs old that time.  As am 51 yrs old right now and I am still struggle with my thought, where am gonna end up when the time is coming, pension. 

I had a lot of friends and best friends like my mom did. Even am very independent and did not rely my life on them, still .. having a great circle of friends is away better when you are old. I guess am very lucky and blessed to have beautiful people in my life.

However, It is not just a great friends what you needed when you are old.  There are a lot of factors to consider in terms of living in a develop country even it is my homeland that I used to live for 23 yrs!! 

Yup .. thinking about where to stay is more complicated than the time I was young over there.  Now is more complicated as I am considering about the hospital?? the family doctor?? the big family or relatives?  friends?  should I???  .. the story being an old lady is totally changed the perspective!! 

to be continue ...